Keeping it Real: Play Date Disclaimer

There is something that all first-timers at my house should know: I am a cleaning freak (not to be confused with clean freak). As in I freak out if I have to clean when I am not in the mood to clean. Therefore you will likely encounter some less-than-savory situations at our house on any given occasion. Here is just a sampling of what you might expect to see when you come and stay for longer than a few minutes:

• Stickers on my floor. Your home may not be adorned with these well-trodden, impossible to remove accessories on every wood surface. But our home boasts many. We just can't seem to avoid it. You'll probably find a scattering of offenders dating back to 2010.

• The absolute LAST THING on my list of priorities is my baseboards. For shame, you say. But that's the truth of it. So just avert your eyes.

• I sweep things under my rug. I do. And every time I do it, I think of the age-old saying. But I still do it. Not often, and not big things. Mostly coins and smallish mysteries that refuse to get sucked up by the vacuum that I am too lazy to pick up. I'll get 'em when we move, right ladies? Right? ...

• I assure you my bathroom floor is clean. I know the original 1920's tile says otherwise. But believe me. It's clean. I spend an inordinate amount of time steam cleaning it in hopes that some of that grime will eventually lift off, to no avail. Good thing the tile's gray to begin with.

• I don't care if you see dishes in my sink. But for your benefit, I try to limit it to just a few, preferably used the same day, and only on one side of the sink. Hey, I like to make things nice for my guests.

• Pledge cleans WAY more things than you'd think. If you walk in the door and smell that signature lemony goodness, consider yourself special.

• I bribe my kids to clean up their toys. Then I vacuum. If they aren't taking the bribe that day, my vacuum job may be spotty at best (or the canister might just suck up the toys, depending on my mood).

• Please don't feel like you need to clean up before leaving. Unless it's minutes to bedtime, chances are my kids are going to trash the place again before I can bat an eye. So just get out while you can.

• If you are coming with your small and/or crawling baby, my floors will be mopped. (Come on. I'm not an idiot...)

• When all else fails in a play date, I am not above resorting to the TV. And I let my kids have treats when friends come over. Some of those will contain sugar. If you prefer to bring your own snacks, I will not be offended.

• Not all of my toys are made in the USA, all-wooden, educational wonder toys. You'll probably find some MacDonald's gems in the toy box. But we have a pretty good selection across the board. Did I mention we have three pirate ships? I think those alone make up for the dollar bin specials.

• If your child dumps an entire bag of goldfish on my floor and then crushes them with their tiny, sweaty toes, I am NOT going to freak out. I'll grab the dust buster and then we can go back to talking about summer sandals and preschool prices. But please don't play the "I am SO sorry" game. Honestly, my kids would probably just eat them up off the floor before I had a chance to clean them up, anyway.

• Maya will, in all likelihood, remove her pull-up and deposit it right in your path 5 seconds before you ring the doorbell, as she strips naked and commences a scream fest while she empties the laundry bin in search of a tutu. I may have just spent an hour or so prepping for the play date, cleaning up messes, and making snacks. But it will all be dashed by Maya's efforts to create the illusion of utter chaos. Just remember that it's her fault. Not mine. thankyouverymuch

I wish I was a wizard. Because then I would have a wand. And a house elf. Until then, I will continue to find animal crackers and decapitated Lego guys nesting in my couch. Now who wants to come play?!