The uphill battle

I had a dream early this morning. I was bicycling up a steep mountain path here in California. To my right was a deep canyon. And I was holding squirming Maya in my left arm, trying to balance her on my lap. I was trying to get the wimpy little bike to move more steadily up the hill, and I was just winding all over, with Maya fussing and squirming out of my grasp. I couldn't get a good foot hold on the pedals, and the front tire was all over the place. I kept tipping and having to put my foot down. A woman and her daughter came walking up (friends I recognized from church), and said, "Looks like you're having trouble. Maybe you should get off and walk for a little while." I sighed in frustration at the thought of going even more slowly. Then I heard Finn crying, and had to turn around entirely to go get him (wherever he was), and start the whole endeavor over again—this time with Finn on my bike, as well. I felt hopeless and a little helpless.

Obviously, this is completely indicative of my life right now. Finn has been a really difficult (albeit still adorable) little guy. He's given up naps, even though he clearly still needs them. He often falls asleep on the couch, his head on my shoulder, in total exhaustion around 4pm, but protests loudly if I try to move him. Then he fights bedtime, sometimes until 10pm! How he is capable of this escapes me. But it makes me crazy. Maya is still a little dear, but any 6 month old is still completely dependent, of course. And I can tell teeth are on the way. It's been very hot—too hot to play out of doors regularly. And then there is the fact that Wes is in school 6 days a week, for long hours. And it's only the beginning of year one!

I feel like I am starting out on the little bicycle, struggling up the hill some days. Yes, of course I am still happy. I haven't taken back my thoughts from THIS post on motherhood a few weeks ago. But everyone has difficult days, weeks, years. I don't like complaining. It gets me nowhere. But I can recognize the uphill battle. The good news is I know that fall is right around the corner. And at least that means heading up the trail with fall leaves on the ground and a cooler breeze in the air! Maybe I'll even invest in a bike that has a large bucket attached to the back for those squirmy kids of mine. ;) if only...